Kitty Diary

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When I was given the first and so far, last cat I ever had, I kept a small diary about her. Since I lost her, I thought I would post it here.  The sentences are incomplete, and random words pop in here and there.

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Kitty Diary

I start this at day 5.

Day 5: 7:30 am on Monday April 22, I get a call from Yous telling me that she got me a kitty and that I should pass by school to pick it up. She was found along with her siblings and ‘shared’ among teachers. After a couple of days, Kitty was brought back to school because they did not want her. Then I got her and this journey began. She was very tiny and helpless, though very feisty. I got her home in her big box of a house. Mom’s reaction was negative, though she did not scream or totally want her out of the house, which to me, was good enough. Dad was reluctant [They did not know I was getting a kitten]. I took Kitty to my room and started processing what just happened. I am now responsible for this little fragile kitten and no one around me seems to be as happy as I was to have her. I was worried and felt bad that my parents did not share my happiness. But since this reminded me os something else that had happened, I decided to hang on. I took Kitty to the vet because I had no idea how to handle her and I needed her to be checked out. Doctor estimated her being a little less than a month old. Around four weeks. He said after 1 week, I should start introducing her to soft food.

On that day, Yous passed by to see her sleeping, and so did Sous. Sous played with her. Laura was also here and welcomed Kitty.

The next day, it felt very worrying and I felt anxious leaving Kitty to go to work. Dad fed her a couple of times while I was not there and she played around. I could not wait for my classes to be over to see how she was doing. I came back and played a little with Kitty and fed her. The day I came back form work, I took her to Yous’ and the Brits.

The next day we spent it together. Day 4, I went to uni and dad took care of her.

Today is day 5. Summary: Kitty’s poop was OK at first, then developed diarrhea, which as I read was due to me feeding her a lot of milk. I regulated that. Now her poop is better but not as it should be yet. She has gotten bigger for sure. She gets frustrated when I feed her, thus my hands are all scratched. But recently, I think I am handling it better, and she is not stressing as much anymore. She is being fed almost every 4 to 5 hours, Around 3 bottles a day (including night time). tonight is the first night she did not pee while she was sleeping. Which is great! I used the ‘alien’ lamp, to keep some light in the room for her to see. She is using the litter box well, though she is not covering the poop up after she’s done. Yesterday, day 4, I found her fur on my clothes. Her fur is falling out. She is more confident when I am around and helping her. She walks around the room, still a little wobbly.

Kitty runs for the first time. Very active and playful. Poop not watery (1/4 watery, rest has shape). Hair fall.

Day 6: Kitty’s first jump. Introduction of soft food. She liked. Whiskas kitten, tuna flavor. No poop. Drinking less milk. Hyper.

Day 7: 2 poops. darker, more solid with shape. 3rd poop end of the day, darker. She is asking for attention and care more. Sudden hyper-ness. More meows (not for food nor for litter). Did not eat a lot of soft food + water. Maybe try just soft food with no water.

Day 20: Kitty now eats soft + dry food mix. She didn’t know how to drink from the bowl so I was feeding her through nursing bottle. finally, today she drank from the bowl. Yay! Still trying to train her. It’s hard and frustrating, because you don’t know if you are doing it right.

May 24, 2013: Lily is sick. On the 20th, I found that she had vomited on the ground twice. The next day, I took her to the vet for her first vaccination, thinking that that was important. She got vaccinated and I was told to monitor her. The next day, I see her move herself away and start to vomit. She clearly hated it. I took her again to the vet and he gave her two shots – one for vomiting and the other for her fever of 40 degrees Celsius. I came home and she was very tired. At some point she tried to play, but brief it was. Soon enough, she was back to laying around very energy-less. I got worried and called emergency, they said if she was not eating, which she wasn’t, to feed her electrolytes, I got her some, but she hated it, it was strawberry flavor. I went to work the next day and came back, she had eaten a little, and not vomited. As soon as I sat down, she vomited. I took her to the vet, who took an X-ray of her stomach showing some air in there. He prescribed Motelium and Flagile and handed me two syringes. At home, i tried to feed her the required does and she struggled very hard. it was really bad. As if I was torturing her. I panicked and called the hospital, doctor was not available, waited for callback, nothing. I somehow convinced myself that this is what she needs to get better, and I will struggle with her but its for her good. All this after a breakdown and almost deciding I would not give her the meds at all. It was hard for me and her. But I did it three times so far and dread each time I have to give her those meds. Today the doc calls to check up. It was too late, but maybe for the best. If he had answered, I would have told him to give her the meds himself.

I set her birthday date to 25 March, since she was around four weeks old when I got her on April 22. 25 March,2013.

Side note: Paraffin Oil and tablet yellow.

May 26: worst state. Enema + two syringes

May 27: started eating again, slightly

May 28: Much better, eating (Fancy Feast) + moving around + poop.

May 29: early morning, vomit, transparent liquid (x3). Gave her Motilium + Flagile + Paraffin oil (x2)

May 30: Small poop, eating (Whiskas), not drinking a lot, Flagile + Paraffin oil. She is very skinny. Eyes have white on corners.

June 7: Kitty is not well at all. I am waiting besides her to die because her health deteriorated very quickly. We did everything. Now, it seems, I wait for her to take her last breath

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How it felt to be near her as she took her last breath, read here: My Kitten Died

Part One: Herstory

The last childish and innocent memory she recalls was the one of the twins’ birthday party. The one with the huge Mickey Mouse Cake. Sitting for the official exams was the last stressful memory she had. After that, everything happened quickly, as if in a blockbuster movie. War, bombings, refugees, ships, sinking ships, crying children, sad goodbyes, tearful mothers, angry and helpless people, long journeys, new beginnings, humble return to the motherland …

There is a huge Lebanese community in Sierra Leone. Some families have been there for ages and some were relatively new. She was born there. Went to school, had a few selected friends, went to the beach on Sundays, talked to the waves, and learned how to play the piano.

This is all she knew. This is her life.

Civil war reached Freetown, the capital of Sierra Leone. Plans to leave the country were in place. Except, when you have thousands of people desperate to leave, in a country at war with itself, things get a little confusing. The only ‘safe’ way to get out was by sea. 12-hour waits under the sun for a turn to get on a rescue ship repeated over four days, eight people living in one hotel room, getting separated from her father, surviving in a foreign country thanks to good people’s kindness, leaving behind friends and mentors, no goodbyes, no contact information for anyone, reaching a homeland with no home, seeing her family disbanded and almost brought to financial ruin.

And now, she writes this. Thankful for being alive. Thankful for being surrounded by family and friends. This is 16 years later. One thing she did not intend to do though, was have a huge chunk of her memories buried so deep, that she lost all connections to her past self. No trackback. There were no bread crumbs to follow to find herself again. Or were there?

Previous post about this matter: Surviving Stolen Memories

Where am I?

What the hell!? This is not an angry post. It is more of a hopeless one.Image

For three years, I have been stuck emotionally. I came back from living abroad for two years, and ended up ,first, having a big fight with my parents who are judgmental and caring at the same time to the extent you just want to run away from them and yet come back for them. Second, I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend, whom I loved to the extent that the word boyfriend was too small of a word to describe him with. Third, I ended up jobless, with no career path whatsoever.

Three years later. I am not sure where I am. All this time has passed and it feels like I have done little to let myself step into some direction towards some future. People do a shit load of things in three years. They could get married and have a one year old kid by now or start a PhD and finish it. Or even start a new job, get bored of it and find a new one. What have I done?

I’d like to believe that my brain as well as my heart is dealing with things without telling me. As David Eagleman says, when you have new ideas, they are not so new. Your brain simply just decided to put them on the surface and make them known to you. But really, they have been there and been growing inside your brain for a while now.

Maybe that is what is happening with me? Maybe, my mind and heart decided that I am just useless at getting myself out of this dump. They have since concocted a plan to fix me. Fix me, to the extent where I am not jammed repeating the same things that get me nowhere, but to the extent where I can actually take a baby steps. Baby steps are initially hard, uncertain, scary, and lack any balance. The baby looks for someone to hold them because they do not want to fall.

Where am I? I am there.