Category Archives: Life

The Bigger Picture: “LUCY” the Movie

20140904_103951_editedYesterday, I watched “Lucy” the movie in a movie theater and it made me feel content. It was fulfilling to believe the made up story of what it would be like for humans to use 100% of their brain capacity. It all sounds quite scientific when you first hear those words. Watching how her abilities progressed from a brain capacity usage of 10% to 100% gradually, somehow and inexplicably was very intuitive and familiar. I have not thought of it in details, in order to really poke at the theory presented and whether it would be feasible even. All I know is that it made sense to me. It just made sense.

Living in a part of the world where the fate of your country is constantly unknown; where wars surround you , North, East, and South; where the kind and sane people around you are few; where your rights are tertiary to the monster’s selfishness; where your fate is ultimately 10% in your hands; it was a pleasure to get lost in a movie that so effortlessly shows you the bigger picture; why it is important to challenge ourselves to know better; why it is not useless to push the boundaries of our abilities and knowledge; why it is important to research and invent.

We will always be faced with revolutionary ideas, and even though we have grown to believe the once revolutionary ideas as truth, we have to keep our minds open to all possibilities, the possible and impossible. Let our imagination twist and twirl with the guidance of research to create its own reality. The least we can do, is give ourselves the freedom to explore our minds, thoughts, and beliefs with little restriction from fear and uncertainty.

So, from today’s Magic Mug to you all, even though we get caught up with everyday life, heartaches, life crises, and community conflicts, etc…, keep in mind that some people out there are seeing the big picture, appreciating what is, was and will be; something that might be hard to constantly meditate on but essential to be reminded about.

 

Advertisements

What is healthy after a breakup?

I’ve broken up with my boyfriend two days ago for reasons like our mentalities are different, and how it matters to me for him to be ambitious to some extent.  I am not looking to change him, so instead, I ended it, amicably.  We were both sad about it but none of us hurt each other in the process so far.  One would say, why be with him in the first place if your mentalities are different.  Actually we got along very well and seemed to be compatible. It’s just that the more time passes by, the more you get to know the person.  Maybe we rushed the dating part of the relationship as we transitioned quickly into boyfriend/girlfriend territory where we would be exclusive. 
As for now, a couple of days after the break up, I sometimes find myself missing him immensely, but talking myself through those moments seems to help. We decided that we shouldn’t talk until a good amount of time had passed in order to give each other space to try to be sad and move on. However, on the night we broke up I call him to check up on him and we talk a bit. On the next day, we exchange some messages.  They say  to take things at your own pace while trying to move on.  I am afraid of getting too sucked in to conversations with him to the extent we would be doing ourself harm. That includes staying attached to someone you actually have no future with.
I hope we don’t end up hurting each other for whatever reason.

Calming my being

I seemed so composed but little did I know that when I reached home , my inner being would collapse in such sadness that I would have to type with my eyes closed as tears flow down and I sob calmly. I am so sad I am losing you, but it makes it sadder that I chose to. Is this the continuation of a lesson? Is this the continuation of feeling like a George? Is this how it felt to be him when he ended it with me?

I really miss you already, and at this point in time, the reasons I broke up with you for seem like nothing compared to having you near. But I know it was decided with my mind. No matter the reasons, it is just a shame.

And once again, I sit in my room, a different person mourning the loss of yet another relationship. One that I thought meant less to me than another. Yet, it all still hurts just as bad.

I am sorry I could not make it work. I miss you tremendously, and knowing that you are one call away makes it even harder.

Illogical Overreaction

After having an awkward conversation with the guy interest in my life at the moment, I felt like I had a lot to say. I did not say them. I did end up writing a ‘note’ on my phone, just to vent my illogical overreaction. Here is a very honest song, as a bonus.

Tracy Chapman – For You

[audio http://2010.danielsjourney.com/files/11%20For%20You.mp3 ]

♦      ♦      ♦

Why did you have to ask me that? Why did I have to send you that simple song to listen to? Why did you have to go so far into thinking that I have fallen in love with you? You, with your sweet words, kind heart and loving hands. Why did you have to show me so much affection, inviting me in, and then letting me wait on the door because you are not ready to open it? I am not in love with you. I never said I am. You asked if I am falling, I replied with a yes, while adding that it is too early to know for sure. ‘Falling’ does not imply ‘have fallen’. I am falling but I can break my fall with anything I want. It is like Aladdin invited Jasmine on his magic carpet, but instead of showing her the world, he shows her the small paved street around the corner. I trust you. I took your hand, you promised many things, and now, you want to get off the magic carpet and walk on the paved street. You like the paved street. It is safe. What do I do now? Do I walk with you in hopes you decide to ride and see the world, or do I just turn the other way? Patience, fear, and pride are all here, dear. All are fighting to be the number one feeling. Which one will dominate? It depends on your actions, and mine. I will leave you to your magic carpet ride around the corner for now, and drink from my wonderfully reliable magic mug.

Enchanted

It feels a little heart-aching to be finally ready for something you’ve needed for a while. I didn’t expect it to feel that way at all. I just thought, if you were ready for it, then you will go for it with all your heart and not look back. Right now, after years of trying to move on, and failing to, the fact that this time around, the attempt at moving on was very smooth, kind of makes me feel sick inside. Or it could be that I need sleep and less caffeine. I am not sure.

I was on a trip yesterday with a bunch of people I do not know and a friend. Mom joined as well. It was nice to be driven around for a change. I socialized. People seemed interesting and seemed interested in talking to me. With some, a common ground was non-existent. With others, it was very much the opposite. Sharing some personal interests and hobbies made the conversation flow easier. I was, just like any other day, being myself. What was different, though, was their reaction towards me. Like I was interesting and approachable. It was something I was not used to. I was enjoying my time. They were genuinely passionate people. We toured, we drank, we ate, we bonded. It all went better than I thought it would. Much better. A little unexpected even.

So, here I am. The day after. I am at work, and things are still going on the same way. People here are reacting different. It is all positive, and to a certain extent of flattery. I am a little overwhelmed. God knows this never happened before. I was never the one people get interested in. I am interesting, but that’s what me thinks about me. That’s it. It was a little secret between me and myself. But now, it feels like that secret is somehow revealed , definitely not by me. Other people seem to want to be in on that secret.

I keep thinking this will go away soon. It was all accidental. At the same time, it feels nice knowing that someone is interested in knowing me. I did not get new boobs, nor am I dressing provocatively, nor acting differently, nor putting on beautifying make up. It must be something else; Something at a deeper level. That’s how it is supposed to be, isn’t it? At least, I hope it is.

Anyway, my theory is this: that old bearded guy that sold me breakfast and a couple of souvenirs yesterday definitely put a spell on me. Yea. That’s exactly what it is.

♦   ♦   ♦

Here is a montage of photos I took on the trip.

It was sunny. There were cats. There was wine.

♦   ♦   ♦bubble_photograph copy♦   ♦   ♦

collage_winetour

Kitty Diary

LilyBlog_small

When I was given the first and so far, last cat I ever had, I kept a small diary about her. Since I lost her, I thought I would post it here.  The sentences are incomplete, and random words pop in here and there.

♦   ♦   ♦

Kitty Diary

I start this at day 5.

Day 5: 7:30 am on Monday April 22, I get a call from Yous telling me that she got me a kitty and that I should pass by school to pick it up. She was found along with her siblings and ‘shared’ among teachers. After a couple of days, Kitty was brought back to school because they did not want her. Then I got her and this journey began. She was very tiny and helpless, though very feisty. I got her home in her big box of a house. Mom’s reaction was negative, though she did not scream or totally want her out of the house, which to me, was good enough. Dad was reluctant [They did not know I was getting a kitten]. I took Kitty to my room and started processing what just happened. I am now responsible for this little fragile kitten and no one around me seems to be as happy as I was to have her. I was worried and felt bad that my parents did not share my happiness. But since this reminded me os something else that had happened, I decided to hang on. I took Kitty to the vet because I had no idea how to handle her and I needed her to be checked out. Doctor estimated her being a little less than a month old. Around four weeks. He said after 1 week, I should start introducing her to soft food.

On that day, Yous passed by to see her sleeping, and so did Sous. Sous played with her. Laura was also here and welcomed Kitty.

The next day, it felt very worrying and I felt anxious leaving Kitty to go to work. Dad fed her a couple of times while I was not there and she played around. I could not wait for my classes to be over to see how she was doing. I came back and played a little with Kitty and fed her. The day I came back form work, I took her to Yous’ and the Brits.

The next day we spent it together. Day 4, I went to uni and dad took care of her.

Today is day 5. Summary: Kitty’s poop was OK at first, then developed diarrhea, which as I read was due to me feeding her a lot of milk. I regulated that. Now her poop is better but not as it should be yet. She has gotten bigger for sure. She gets frustrated when I feed her, thus my hands are all scratched. But recently, I think I am handling it better, and she is not stressing as much anymore. She is being fed almost every 4 to 5 hours, Around 3 bottles a day (including night time). tonight is the first night she did not pee while she was sleeping. Which is great! I used the ‘alien’ lamp, to keep some light in the room for her to see. She is using the litter box well, though she is not covering the poop up after she’s done. Yesterday, day 4, I found her fur on my clothes. Her fur is falling out. She is more confident when I am around and helping her. She walks around the room, still a little wobbly.

Kitty runs for the first time. Very active and playful. Poop not watery (1/4 watery, rest has shape). Hair fall.

Day 6: Kitty’s first jump. Introduction of soft food. She liked. Whiskas kitten, tuna flavor. No poop. Drinking less milk. Hyper.

Day 7: 2 poops. darker, more solid with shape. 3rd poop end of the day, darker. She is asking for attention and care more. Sudden hyper-ness. More meows (not for food nor for litter). Did not eat a lot of soft food + water. Maybe try just soft food with no water.

Day 20: Kitty now eats soft + dry food mix. She didn’t know how to drink from the bowl so I was feeding her through nursing bottle. finally, today she drank from the bowl. Yay! Still trying to train her. It’s hard and frustrating, because you don’t know if you are doing it right.

May 24, 2013: Lily is sick. On the 20th, I found that she had vomited on the ground twice. The next day, I took her to the vet for her first vaccination, thinking that that was important. She got vaccinated and I was told to monitor her. The next day, I see her move herself away and start to vomit. She clearly hated it. I took her again to the vet and he gave her two shots – one for vomiting and the other for her fever of 40 degrees Celsius. I came home and she was very tired. At some point she tried to play, but brief it was. Soon enough, she was back to laying around very energy-less. I got worried and called emergency, they said if she was not eating, which she wasn’t, to feed her electrolytes, I got her some, but she hated it, it was strawberry flavor. I went to work the next day and came back, she had eaten a little, and not vomited. As soon as I sat down, she vomited. I took her to the vet, who took an X-ray of her stomach showing some air in there. He prescribed Motelium and Flagile and handed me two syringes. At home, i tried to feed her the required does and she struggled very hard. it was really bad. As if I was torturing her. I panicked and called the hospital, doctor was not available, waited for callback, nothing. I somehow convinced myself that this is what she needs to get better, and I will struggle with her but its for her good. All this after a breakdown and almost deciding I would not give her the meds at all. It was hard for me and her. But I did it three times so far and dread each time I have to give her those meds. Today the doc calls to check up. It was too late, but maybe for the best. If he had answered, I would have told him to give her the meds himself.

I set her birthday date to 25 March, since she was around four weeks old when I got her on April 22. 25 March,2013.

Side note: Paraffin Oil and tablet yellow.

May 26: worst state. Enema + two syringes

May 27: started eating again, slightly

May 28: Much better, eating (Fancy Feast) + moving around + poop.

May 29: early morning, vomit, transparent liquid (x3). Gave her Motilium + Flagile + Paraffin oil (x2)

May 30: Small poop, eating (Whiskas), not drinking a lot, Flagile + Paraffin oil. She is very skinny. Eyes have white on corners.

June 7: Kitty is not well at all. I am waiting besides her to die because her health deteriorated very quickly. We did everything. Now, it seems, I wait for her to take her last breath

♦   ♦   ♦

How it felt to be near her as she took her last breath, read here: My Kitten Died

Part One: Herstory

The last childish and innocent memory she recalls was the one of the twins’ birthday party. The one with the huge Mickey Mouse Cake. Sitting for the official exams was the last stressful memory she had. After that, everything happened quickly, as if in a blockbuster movie. War, bombings, refugees, ships, sinking ships, crying children, sad goodbyes, tearful mothers, angry and helpless people, long journeys, new beginnings, humble return to the motherland …

There is a huge Lebanese community in Sierra Leone. Some families have been there for ages and some were relatively new. She was born there. Went to school, had a few selected friends, went to the beach on Sundays, talked to the waves, and learned how to play the piano.

This is all she knew. This is her life.

Civil war reached Freetown, the capital of Sierra Leone. Plans to leave the country were in place. Except, when you have thousands of people desperate to leave, in a country at war with itself, things get a little confusing. The only ‘safe’ way to get out was by sea. 12-hour waits under the sun for a turn to get on a rescue ship repeated over four days, eight people living in one hotel room, getting separated from her father, surviving in a foreign country thanks to good people’s kindness, leaving behind friends and mentors, no goodbyes, no contact information for anyone, reaching a homeland with no home, seeing her family disbanded and almost brought to financial ruin.

And now, she writes this. Thankful for being alive. Thankful for being surrounded by family and friends. This is 16 years later. One thing she did not intend to do though, was have a huge chunk of her memories buried so deep, that she lost all connections to her past self. No trackback. There were no bread crumbs to follow to find herself again. Or were there?

Previous post about this matter: Surviving Stolen Memories