Where am I?

What the hell!? This is not an angry post. It is more of a hopeless one.Image

For three years, I have been stuck emotionally. I came back from living abroad for two years, and ended up ,first, having a big fight with my parents who are judgmental and caring at the same time to the extent you just want to run away from them and yet come back for them. Second, I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend, whom I loved to the extent that the word boyfriend was too small of a word to describe him with. Third, I ended up jobless, with no career path whatsoever.

Three years later. I am not sure where I am. All this time has passed and it feels like I have done little to let myself step into some direction towards some future. People do a shit load of things in three years. They could get married and have a one year old kid by now or start a PhD and finish it. Or even start a new job, get bored of it and find a new one. What have I done?

I’d like to believe that my brain as well as my heart is dealing with things without telling me. As David Eagleman says, when you have new ideas, they are not so new. Your brain simply just decided to put them on the surface and make them known to you. But really, they have been there and been growing inside your brain for a while now.

Maybe that is what is happening with me? Maybe, my mind and heart decided that I am just useless at getting myself out of this dump. They have since concocted a plan to fix me. Fix me, to the extent where I am not jammed repeating the same things that get me nowhere, but to the extent where I can actually take a baby steps. Baby steps are initially hard, uncertain, scary, and lack any balance. The baby looks for someone to hold them because they do not want to fall.

Where am I? I am there.

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