Dear You … (again)

Dear You,

By now, I would deem myself dysfunctional. It’s been two years since we stopped being us. I still think about you everyday. Our relationship still is in my memory more often than I’d like to admit. Our horrible break up becomes more and more surreal with time. I should be over you by now. With all these sweeping thoughts of you, it makes me unsure if I am. I have definitely started to pull myself from the abyss I threw myself in, but have not gone out yet. The more I climb up, the shittier and deeper the hole I have been in appears to be. How can I explain this. I used to be in a hole so deep, that I could not see the light from the opening above. I saw nothing. Now that I am climbing up to get out somehow, I look down and see where I was sitting, alone and damaged for a long time. The more I climb, the farther the bottom of the hole gets from me, and the scarier it gets to think that I was all the way down there. As I get better, I also see how bad it was down there. Being down there and seeing down there are very different experiences. I couldn’t see where I was, and what I was missing, so it was not so scary being there. I was almost at peace with it. Now that I am here, away from down there, I can see and realize the hopelessness I was in.  And carrying that image is probably more scary than being down there. So, in the end, even though I am trying to be better, I am still scared. I do take comfort in the fact that I am not there anymore.

Dear you, I wish you are living the life I always imagined you living. Full of life, happy and loved; feelings we never felt together, it seems.

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