My 2 and a half month old kitten died yesterday. She had been sick for 2 weeks straight. She had her ups and downs. Every time she would feel a little better, the next day seemed to bring bad news every time. For a kitten who has survived sickness for two and a half weeks, it is so heartbreaking to know that even when you have done everything to make her better, she still dies. All those moments of small victories when she would poop when she was constipated, or when a day passes without her vomiting, were in vain.
After all this time of being sick and getting better and then worse, she always seemed to be fighting it. But the last two days, with her silent meows and her inability to swallow the medicine, it was almost like she was showing me that she gave up. Somehow, she also seemed like she wanted me to stop hoping for her to live. I knew she was going to die soon, very soon. The night before she died, she slept on the same pillow I was sleeping on. She would always want to be close to my face. Normally, to get to her favorite sleeping spot, she would climb up to my chest, and settle there, as she laid her body on my neck.
I took her to the vet to get a confirmation about her dying. He insisted that we did everything we could to save her throughout the weeks that passed. Yes, she would not live beyond this day. I of course cried my eyes out on the ride back home. I stayed with her all day, until she took her last breath, and her sweet heart beat stopped. I will not describe how it happened, but it was the most heartbreaking moment. All I could do was just watch her, and stroke her. It is not something you could fix. And just like that, she was there, her eyes still open, making it even harder to believe that she was gone. I kept looking at her chest for proof that she was not breathing. I said goodbye then.
It was when I picked her up to put her in a box, with no resistance from her, as I had to hold every part of her because she would not be holding her head up, when I actually felt that she has died. I keep tearing up at every end of a sentence I write here. I miss her.
I will just keep thinking of the many parallel universes that exist, in which her story is different; Where she did not die so soon; Where she is jumping around, being playful and fluffy; Where she is constantly loved.