Dear You

Dear you,

With everyday that passes, I learn something new about me and you. Some days, I feel angry at how you left me, how you misunderstood me, and how you made me feel like I was a cup half empty, and not the opposite. Other days, I feel a longing for your warmth, your care, and for the feeling of knowing that no matter what, I always have you. The latter doesn’t seem so true anymore.

You were my best friend. I loved you and I still do. After years of being away from you, hearing nothing about you, I still remember you everyday, and all the feelings I have for you are still there. A part of me thinks I am stuck. Another part of me feels attachment to what was, as if it still is, and as if it never ended.

Today, I feel joy to be alive. I feel all the motivation and inspiration in my bones. Potential paintings pass through my photographic brain. I see sunny days, with cool breezes as I sit and write in my Journal. I look forward to my research in hopes that it would lead me to a better and more productive me.

Tomorrow comes, and throws all of it in the trash, recycles it, and recreates it into regret and fear. I regret that I did not appreciate you and your actions. I regret not being honest with myself, and thus not honest with you. I fear that I have lost the person I love forever. I fear that my actions, be they enough for you or not, were full of mistakes. I regret not making you happy, the real long-lasting happy, not the momentary happiness.

Everyday seems to be a battle between several copies of me. Battles that are won and lost so many times, I have lost count. It is like getting used to a war-zone, where you are afraid of being killed, but at the same time happy you are still alive. Everyday is a battle for a better me. I don’t want to be stuck, nor do I want to ignore my feelings.

You are not here. I only have this screen to tell my feelings to in hopes they get out of me, and hopefully stay out, while I realize whatever it is I am supposed to realize.

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